Came across this article on Shuga Naija’s website and thought to share it. It was written by Kome Olori Agulonu.
A Man’s Perspective
I recently attended my childhood friend’s wedding. It was a happy day, and although we had grown apart over the years, she still remains one of my best friends and I was truly exited for her. Like most wedding guests, I couldn’t keep my eyes from going teary as my friend and her handsome boo said their vows, the sincerity of their love, so clear to see. The highlight of the wedding, however, was watching the bride’s ex-boyfriend out-dance everyone at the reception. Not only was be boogying without reservation, it was obvious (through their interaction) that the couple had no problem with his presence. In fact, they both looked pleased that he was there on their special day to the bafflement of many, including me.
Over the rest of the weekend, I couldn’t help thinking about my newly married friend and her ex-boyfriend. Can people who used to date stay friends after they break up? And should they? I pondered. These are questions I would have liked to have posed to my most regrettable ex-boyfriend,but seeing as he was unavailable, I decided to ask the dudes around me. After all, apart from them being more likeable, they would be more inclined to tell me the truth than an old flame.
To start with I strolled over to my friend and colleague’s desk in the far corner of my office to ask his opinion about my dicey subject. I sloppily scribbled the following question on a yellow post it (because I didn’t want people within ear-shot to misinterpret my interest): “What do you think about exes staying friends?” I knew I was on to something when he scribbled his reply amidst loud, mischievous laughter: “To keep enjoying the benefits.” Of course my curiosity was further pricked by his risqué reply that, I simply had to hear more and I pestered him till he told me. According to him, the only reasons a guy would stay friends with his ex-girlfriend are because A) he is sure to get more sex from her when she is vulnerable and B) he can enjoy the sex without any commitment even when he eventually gets another girlfriend. For as long as they are in touch, she would always be a potential bed mate for times of drought. Besides, he already knows all the buttons to push so she should be easier to seduce than a new chick.
Our post-it note conversation continued. “What about love then?” I wanted to know “What love?” He said. “When you have broken up? There is no love there now because one person must have decided to end the relationship and the other person is either nursing a broken heart or damaged pride. The only thing left then is not love; it is either pity or weakness.” Honestly, I wasn’t shocked by his perspective after all he is a man! But I certainly was expecting something different when I text a girlfriend to ask for her take on the matter. Do you think it’s okay for exes to continue having sex?
A Woman’s Perspective
I was interested in a woman’s perspective, so text the same question to girlfriend. Her answer surprised me.
“Hmm, exes are very useful oh abeg! I always call mine when I need a bulb changed or an emergency driver. He’ll come over as he still feels guilty for breaking my heart,” she replied.
By this point, I was gobsmacked. I guess I must be quite naive because in my opinion, if a relationship was based on true feelings from the beginning then there should be just enough of those feelings lingering in the guy’s heart to want to stay in touch with his ex.
Why does their “friendship” have to be based on the availability of sex or any other benefits? I mean if that is the only reason, what is stopping either party from starting a new relationship? And although I don’t think it is right to go into a new relationship just to eliminate your DIY needs, it is surely better than playing on someone else’s vulnerability. However, to remain close, speaking to each other regularly, especially when they have started seeing someone else is taking things too far.
What do you think? Can exes really ever be friends?