Angry passenger’s letter to Jetstar Airline

I just had to share this! Lol, this is extremely funny, but at the same time very rude and sarcastic. I can relate to Mr Wisken on this one, though. Read his letter to Jetstar airline below, and tell me what you think. Hehehe.




Dear  Jetstar…

Do you like riddles? I do,  that’s why I’m starting this letter with  one. What weighs more than a Suzuki  Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased  homeless man? No idea? How about,  what measures food portions in kilograms and  has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more  try. What’s fat as  f***, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two  seats on a  Jetstar flight? That’s right, it’s the man I sat next to under on my  flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday.

As I boarded the plane, I  mentally high-fived myself for paying the  additional $25 for an emergency seat.  I was imagining all that extra  room, when I was suddenly distracted by what  appeared to be an infant  hippopotamus located halfway down the aisle. 

As I got closer, I was  relieved to see that  it wasn’t a dangerous semi-aquatic African mammal,  but a morbidly obese human  being. However, this relief was short-lived  when I realised that my seat was  located somewhere underneath him.

Soon after I managed to burrow into my seat,  I caught what was to be the  first of numerous fetid whiffs of body odour. His  scent possessed hints  of blue cheese and Mumbai slum, with nuances of sweaty  flesh and human  faeces sprayed with cologne – Eau No.

Considering I was visibly under  duress, I  found it strange that none of the cabin crew offered me  another seat. To be  fair, it’s entirely possible that none of them  actually saw me. Perhaps this  photo will jog their memories.

Pinned to my seat by a fleshy boulder, I  started preparing for a 127  Hours-like escape. Thankfully though, the beast  moved slightly to his  left, which allowed me to stand up, walk to the back of  the plane and  politely ask the cabin crew to be seated elsewhere. I didn’t  catch the  names of the three flight attendants, but for the purpose of this  letter, I’ll call them: Chatty 1, Chatty 2 and Giggly (I’ve given them  all the  same surname – Couldnotgiveash***).

After my request, Chatty 1  and Chatty 2  continued their conversation, presumably about how s***  they are at their jobs,  and Giggly, well, she just giggled. I then asked if I could sit in one of the  six vacant seats at the back of the  aircraft, to which Giggly responded,  “hehehe, they’re for crew only,  hehehe”. I think Giggly may be suffering from  some form of mental  impairment.

I tried to  relocate myself without the  assistance of the Couldnotgiveas***  triplets, but unfortunately everyone with a  row to themselves was now  lying down. It was then I realised that my fate was  sealed. I made my  way back to Jabba the Hutt and spent the remainder of the  flight  smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid  noxious gas poisoning. Just before landing,

I revisited the back of the  plane to use the  toilet. You could imagine my surprise when I saw both  “crew only” rows occupied  by non-crew members. I can only assume Giggly  let them sit there after she  forgot who she was and why she’s flying on a big, shiny metal thing in the  sky.

Imagine going out for dinner  and a movie, only to have your night ruined by a  fat mess who eats half your  meal then blocks 50% of the screen. Isn’t  that exactly the same as having  someone who can’t control their calorie  intake occupying half your seat on a  flight? Of course it is, so that’s  why I’m demanding a full refund of my  ticket, including the $25 for an  emergency row seat.

I’m  also looking to be compensated for the  physical pain and mental  suffering caused by being enveloped in human blubber  for four hours. My  lower back is in agony and I had to type this letter  one-handed as I’m  yet to regain full use of my left side. If I don’t recover  completely,  I’ll have to say goodbye to my lifelong dream of becoming Air  Guitar  World Champion. If that occurs, you will pay.
To  discuss my generous compensation package, email me at:,  or tweet me at: @RichWisken
No  regards,
Rich Wisken.




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Nchee is an author on Gist Us.

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